Sunday 24 April 2016

Just stay

So I'm sitting there again, slightly freaking out. I find myself in the same situation time and time again. Different people, different places. Same story.

The pub is almost the same as all the others. The carpet is a variation on the same carpet. The drinks were all the same.

"Fag?" he holds out a slightly crumpled ciggy.

A wave of redish purple social anxiety rolls from the ceiling, down the wall behind me and over to my forehead, leaving a subtle film over the top of my cerebrum.

"Yeah sure," I take the fag and follow him outside.

Rich joins us and we discuss the nuances of the Sunday evening psyche.

"Right, I'll see you inside yeah." Rich stubs his out.

There's a pause until the pub door closes. I back up against the wall and notice that my heart starts beating distractingly hard. It makes me aware of my breathing and then I become aware that my mind is blank for what to say next. It's so hard to describe the overwhelming feeling of social anxiety, but the word panic comes to mind.

Each thud in my chest brings to mind an excuse to use for jumping on the next train.

"...I mean, it's just not right, you know?" Ian weighed up one hand.

"Uh yeah, yeah totally," I stammer my way through the automatic response.

We head in and I go to the bathroom, preparing to make my exit after peeing. The emerald green walls of the toilet are bathed in the warm glow of the eco light-bulb. Light danced around the smooth surfaces of shiny white sinks.

I slammed open the tap and gargled a mouthful of water. My reflection looks anxious so I gargle another mouthful.

"Just stay." She had said on that beach. She had this way of smiling with her eyes that made you feel like she knew just exactly what she was talking about.

So I did. That time, on the beach, I had stayed.

I stayed very still sometimes, on that beach, trying to learn the art of self-control from her. I didn't master it, on that beach, nevertheless good things had come from staying.

So this time, in the pub, I stayed - and I had a cracking time.


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